Have you ever had people in your life that you loved so much you almost gave your soul to? You gave them a piece of your soul and then they couldn’t handle your Authentic Self or was it you couldn’t handle their Authenticity. It happens, it leaves us feeling lost, hurt and looking for answers. My question is, if we’re not sure why this person left our life, wouldn’t it be easy to ask them, why? But the truth is from my experience, they won’t tell you either. I wonder sometimes from my study I’m doing lately if they even really know the answer. Was it a roll of the eyes, an expression or misunderstood verbiage because as I said many times over the years,” I am a good person and my intentions would never be to hurt anyone on this earth, only do what I can, I love helping others to see their beauty, it’s my purpose”. Would it be too easy to ask the person the reason for the tension because most times it begins there and over time it gets worse and then it takes very little for a person to decide that they no longer need you, but by this time they are confused in the, Why? Have you had a person do this to you? Leave your life, leave you questioning every ounce of your soul, break your heart daily but turn this around and you may have done this to someone else.
It has happened to me, and it hurts. It’s a normal in most people’s lives, it don’t have to be. What do many people do when this happens to them? They build safe walls and add unhealthy stories in their minds. Some of our walls that we build are safe walls, healthy walls, that we can give into and break down, called boundaries, those relationships has limits, but when we build the walls so thick like concrete and you refuse to let anyone in because the pain of love hurts so much, you would rather spend your days alone then to experience a lost in love, respect and being treated less than you believe you deserve. Those walls are unhealthy, I lived this through friendships.
Spending years not letting anyone near because I got hurt badly. I did receive help to move on, but I stopped trusting people, I lost my creativity and my authentic self. I learned this about myself, on my road to self-discovery. If a relationship was forming I became busy, not available and I created stories in my mind, I believed that I was not deserving of friendships. I was not put here to be a good friend, but a good wife. If you think about that, it don’t make any since at all. I was grateful for a good husband to come home to each day because for about four years I lived that life, living in walls as thick as concrete, letting no one in. How do you break those walls down? How do you trust again?
For me I worked with a life coach and I learned my values and I learned that I wasn’t being honest to my true authentic self, I was playing it so safe that I was losing my creativity, beauty and dying inside trying to be neutral because of the fear of others not liking me, or was it hurting me, all I know my world became dark.
How did I break that concrete wall back to friendship and learn to trust again, because today I’m so grateful for the many people in my life. I have so many friends that I love today. It’s hard to believe that only less than two years ago, the first year of my illness, not many people called and asked me how I was doing and I have to be honest here, they might of, but my concrete wall was sound proof. I could not hear, see because all my senses were in a dark place. So how did I come back out? Can my friends hurt me tomorrow? They sure can. Can they walk out of my life tomorrow? They might.
Life is a journey, but being with people that lift you up, make you smile are the best memories, live your values daily.
I’m willing to take that chance because a journey without friends is a lonely journey traveled. The friendships that will walk my journey beside me, will lift me up and believe in me and help make my authentic self-shine. I will choose the lightness of trust, but I will choose to walk carefully, ask questions and I will try my hardest not to make up those crazy stories in my head. I will take responsibility of saying sorry when I do something wrong, but If I don’t understand a situation and the other person refuses to tell me the why, I will take that as their problem. I cannot walk the road of the unknown mystery anymore because my life is precious, short and I choose to lift my head, smile and walk the road with those that choose to walk with me, not challenge me. Please join me.
Angela